New beginnings!

Hi everyone! I am brand new here, actually just learned about what a blog really is. So I'm really excited!! Whohoooo lol ok not that excited. So just like everyone else I also have my own story. I'm a really pretty girl from Uzbekistan. I am 26 years old, I go to NYU, will be taking my boards to become a dental hygienist this coming March. G-d willing I will pass them!! I am devorced. Life used to be amazingly numb before the divorce. I did everything the way it was expected of me in my culture. I graduated high school, went to college, stayed a virgin till I got married at the age of 20. (OK that's a lie, I had an amazing boyfriend his name is Joshua, we met when I was 17, I lost my virginity on my 18th birthday. We were together for about a year and then I had to break up with him, because he wasn't Jewish. So I had a hyminoplasty) Got married, to a nice Jewish boy, funny story actually, I proposed to the guy on our third date. We had an amazing wedding, one of those completely traditional weddings. We stayed together for 3 years and 3 months until we finally were done trying to pretend that things were alright. I was tired of having a nonexistant sex life, tired of living with a man I couldn't speak to. He was tired of me (i refused to cook, clean, and do his laundry or be nice in any way -- but that only started a year after we were married) So we went to Israel to see if we can sort things out. We fought the entire 10 days. We came back and he kicked me out. I was so excited, finally going to get to live the life I've always wanted. That same summer I got accepted to NYU. Everything was going to be amazing. I got an apartment in Brooklyn, rent was great. Got a job at a restaurant, working at nights and went to school during the day. I was so busy that I never gaave myself a chance to see what was happening on the inside. I was exhausted. All I wanted was sleep. To my surprise, I missed my ex-husband so much. But I stayed strong. I met a bunch of crazy people who were trying to use me. I met some good men too, but something just wasn't right. So I decided being single is the best thing for me. I look back at all of this now and I feel that I learned so much from all that. I survived on my own for 6 months, until I finally just gave up! Couldn't work and go to school and pay bills, it was insane. So its been about two and half years since that ordeal, I'm home now with my parents, who take amazing care of me. I just go to school. So my dreams are....to graduate from NYU with my dental hygiene degree, pass my boards, lose weight (oh yea i forgot to mention that I'm overweight and I truly believe my whole life being this messy has to do with my being overweight. (I'm 5'4 206lbs -- yea its pretty bad) I did some research about my condition, and its actually very specific, I have BED - binge eating disorder, I mean I didn't go to a doctor. I self diagnosed. BED is a condition where a person eats uncontrollably without the sensation of hunger to numb emotional or mental feelings. It's sort of a distractions) So another dream of my is to be thin, I am really pretty, I have a really pretty face, eyes, lips but everything beyond the neck is just not cute. I have a lot of dreams and I continue to learn about myself everyday. Another one of my dreams is to be able to quit smoking. (I started smoking after the divorce) I also can't wait to work for a living, being unemployed is great and living with my parents is awesome but I would love to live in the city and work in the city. My simple dream is to be able to cross my legs. I've learned a lot about myself, I learned that lies only bring hell into one's life. I told myself after the divorce I will never lie to anyone again and most importantly I will never lie to myself again. I feel like I've gained a lot of control over who I am and where I end up in life. So my battle with smoking and weight control is something that is really difficult for me because I feel that I completely give up control when I can't tell myself to stop eating.

Wow that is a lot for a first blog entry. Feels good to vent though. Be back soon!