Light bulb!!!

I had a really productive day today! So I'm really excited. I haven't smoked today either. (and I'm really happy about that as well.) I completed 2 light patients at Faculty Practice, who were just awesome!!! I got 100% on both cases. Then I went to school, stayed for pharmacology and it was just all smooth sailing. Got home, had dinner, went to the gym an hour later. Had an awesome workout with my cousin, who is an amazing gym partner -- really keeps me motivated :) I adore her. We both took a great dance class at the gym, burned some calories, then drove home. I started my homework for pathology, which was almost excruciating since I'm just exhausted today.

The Light Bulb affect occurred during my conversation with my cousin when we were on the way back from the gym. She said to me "if you can quit smoking, which is obviously a psychological addiction, then why can't you stop binge eating?" which completely makes sense!!!

Had a semi-great day.. (day 1)

I woke up early, went to babysit my nephew. He is the chunkiest little monster. He doens't like me. Maybe it's because I only spend one hour a week with him. I don't know. Anyway after that my mom came and replaced me and my day started...I called my cousin and we planned to hit the gym in the morning around 9 am. We worked out for about an hour, then I took her home. Went home, took a shower, had breakfast, got dressed for school. Had classes from 1 pm to 8 pm straight. It was excruciating. I had a small craving for a smoke, but I made it through and survived it. Finished school, came home, went by my cousins to pick up a camara for my case study. I'm working on my mom tomorrow. Im really excited. Too tired. Going to sleep.

I CRACKED :(

I had a smoke, I hate myself...i held out for three whole days...and I cracked. for no good damn reason too. This sucks. I guess Im back to square one.

Accepting and admitting that I have a problem...

Day 3 is almost over, I can't believe I quit smoking..cold turkey and it's been 3 whole days. I'm really excited for myself. I hope this lasts long enough for me to quit forever!!! I know its going to be really hard on school days, cuz I have this whole routine. I wake up, I have a cup of black coffee, two cigarettes and then I head to school. I stay in classes until lunch time then I have lunch, have coffee and have a few more cigs. Then I see patients at the clinic on my rotations and during the break I go outside for coffee and a cigarette. There are two breaks. Then I finish out my rotations, I head for another class, I come out 2 hours later and then go for dinner, have a drink and a few more cigarettes. So basically thats on a normall day when I actually have time to eat and take coffee breaks, then there are days that all I do is smoke and stress over exams and patients. That was going on during the last two weeks, it was midterms week. Smoking has been truly detrimental to my health ( can't breath, I have chest pains) Its been detrimental to my social life as well ( most of my friends dont smoke, even the guys I meet are turned off by the smoking) its even detrimental to my professional life ( I got fired from my last job, because my boss caught me smoking on my lunch break, I think that should be illigal) but anyway so smoking has just been bad for me all around.

Uncomfortable...(day 3)

I invited my closest girlfriends to my house for dinner. They decided to bring their husbands and kids along to what was supposed to be a quiet dinner, bottle of wine and some marshmallows in the fire place, turned into kids running around singing along to Barney and by the end of the night one of my friends got into a fight with the other ones husband. I have a ridiculous headache. I love my friends but them being married with children is soooo irritating. Drives me crazy that I'm not married with children. I am a really nurturing and loving person. But being divorced has changed me..all my friends think I hate kids. What they aren't getting is that I hate the fact that I don't have kids, and therefore I can't stand other ppls kids running around me.

Day # 2..is going well

It's a really great day today, not weather wise, its actually pretty gloomy, rainy and cold out. But it's a good day in my mind. I haven't smoked in almost two days. I didn't overeat today, I have no exams to study for, except for the big board exam. But that's not till March, so today I am just resting, listening to Sade. She has an amazing voice. I have a great fresh linen candle burning and its just really peaceful in here. Love it.

Coming up on DAY # 2

It's 4:23 am, still haven't had a smoke.....

Fighting Cravings, but not all of them...

I just ate a bunch of food again, its only been 4 hours after dinner. I pigged out and I can't even numb it with a cigarette. This is soooo hard, I'm seconds away from driving to the corner deli for a lucy (loose cigarette, might be better then buying the whole pack) it's exactly 24 hours since my last smoke. I'd hate to break it now.

Quitting smoking - Day 1

Ok so some of my new goals consist of doing things one step at a time. Today is the first day I didn't smoke at all. All day long. I usually smoke about half a pack a day. I'm really on edge with this. But I have to quit. How can I be a dental hygienist who smokes. I really stink. I can't breath lately, I have all this phlegm that I'm constantly coughing up, which is just the grossest thing ever. Ok so...Today is DAY # 1. Well it's only 9:06pm so Im really hoping that I can stay strong.

New beginnings!

Hi everyone! I am brand new here, actually just learned about what a blog really is. So I'm really excited!! Whohoooo lol ok not that excited. So just like everyone else I also have my own story. I'm a really pretty girl from Uzbekistan. I am 26 years old, I go to NYU, will be taking my boards to become a dental hygienist this coming March. G-d willing I will pass them!! I am devorced. Life used to be amazingly numb before the divorce. I did everything the way it was expected of me in my culture. I graduated high school, went to college, stayed a virgin till I got married at the age of 20. (OK that's a lie, I had an amazing boyfriend his name is Joshua, we met when I was 17, I lost my virginity on my 18th birthday. We were together for about a year and then I had to break up with him, because he wasn't Jewish. So I had a hyminoplasty) Got married, to a nice Jewish boy, funny story actually, I proposed to the guy on our third date. We had an amazing wedding, one of those completely traditional weddings. We stayed together for 3 years and 3 months until we finally were done trying to pretend that things were alright. I was tired of having a nonexistant sex life, tired of living with a man I couldn't speak to. He was tired of me (i refused to cook, clean, and do his laundry or be nice in any way -- but that only started a year after we were married) So we went to Israel to see if we can sort things out. We fought the entire 10 days. We came back and he kicked me out. I was so excited, finally going to get to live the life I've always wanted. That same summer I got accepted to NYU. Everything was going to be amazing. I got an apartment in Brooklyn, rent was great. Got a job at a restaurant, working at nights and went to school during the day. I was so busy that I never gaave myself a chance to see what was happening on the inside. I was exhausted. All I wanted was sleep. To my surprise, I missed my ex-husband so much. But I stayed strong. I met a bunch of crazy people who were trying to use me. I met some good men too, but something just wasn't right. So I decided being single is the best thing for me. I look back at all of this now and I feel that I learned so much from all that. I survived on my own for 6 months, until I finally just gave up! Couldn't work and go to school and pay bills, it was insane. So its been about two and half years since that ordeal, I'm home now with my parents, who take amazing care of me. I just go to school. So my dreams are....to graduate from NYU with my dental hygiene degree, pass my boards, lose weight (oh yea i forgot to mention that I'm overweight and I truly believe my whole life being this messy has to do with my being overweight. (I'm 5'4 206lbs -- yea its pretty bad) I did some research about my condition, and its actually very specific, I have BED - binge eating disorder, I mean I didn't go to a doctor. I self diagnosed. BED is a condition where a person eats uncontrollably without the sensation of hunger to numb emotional or mental feelings. It's sort of a distractions) So another dream of my is to be thin, I am really pretty, I have a really pretty face, eyes, lips but everything beyond the neck is just not cute. I have a lot of dreams and I continue to learn about myself everyday. Another one of my dreams is to be able to quit smoking. (I started smoking after the divorce) I also can't wait to work for a living, being unemployed is great and living with my parents is awesome but I would love to live in the city and work in the city. My simple dream is to be able to cross my legs. I've learned a lot about myself, I learned that lies only bring hell into one's life. I told myself after the divorce I will never lie to anyone again and most importantly I will never lie to myself again. I feel like I've gained a lot of control over who I am and where I end up in life. So my battle with smoking and weight control is something that is really difficult for me because I feel that I completely give up control when I can't tell myself to stop eating.

Wow that is a lot for a first blog entry. Feels good to vent though. Be back soon!